THe Art of Repair

Building Resilient Relationships

In the dance of human relating, it is not the absence of ruptures that define the health of our relationships, but the ability to successfully repair that determines their strength. With presence and intention we can embrace repair as a path to deeper intimacy, connection, and relationship satisfaction. 

Repair keeps us in connection, allows the strength of our relationships to grow, increases relationship satisfaction, and is a tool that can be used in all of our relationships (friendships, work relationships, partnerships, lovers, family members, children, etc). Without real repair, resentments build and tensions mount. In a repair conversation, there are 9 steps that are important to a full and successful repair. The 9 steps covered in this article are: 

• Knowing you are in an emotional conversation

• Gauging your activation level

• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt

• Decide who goes first

• Share vulnerably

• Listen and respond with empathy

• Acknowledge your patterns

• Provide reassurance

• Reconnect with your partner

Knowing you are in an emotional conversation 

It is important to recognize when you have moved from a practical or logical conversation into an emotional one. When you are shifting into an emotional conversation there may be: a heightened or changed tone, defensiveness, feeling an emotional withdrawal, changes in the sensations of the body, a feeling of static in the mind, tightening throat, shoulder tension, stress sweat, etc. It is important to recognize and name this shift early which can prevent you from creating more hurt and going deeper into rupture. You may say something like, “I am feeling really activated by this conversation and I can’t think clearly.”

Gauging your activation level

Activation level can be gauged using a scale of 1-10. Determining how far past neutral you are is important to a successful repair. 1 is a calm, peaceful, totally regulated state, and 10 might be the feeling that your head is actually going to explode. 

When our nervous system responds to stress and takes over, rational thought and empathy both become hard to access. Repair is most effective when both partners are at an activation of level 3 or below. Higher than a 3, it is time to take a break and tap into your resiliency basket to find neutral. You should both agree on a time to come back together to have the repair conversation when both parties have come back to neutral. This time frame may vary but generally shouldn’t be days away. 

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt

When a rupture happens, the tendency is to assume negative intent and place blame. Giving the benefit of the doubt to your partner fosters both trust and empathy while also reducing defensiveness. It is very helpful if you can reframe conflict as “Me and You vs this rupture” rather than “me vs you.” Remembering that you are both good people with good intentions is a good reminder that you are both doing the best you can. Try to remember this before reacting in blame, defensiveness, or shaming patterns. 

Decide who Goes First

It is essential for both partners to feel heard in moments of rupture and repair is more successful when each partner gets a turn to share. It is not possible for both people to share their emotions and be heard at the same time, so taking turns is important. 

How you approach this as a couple will be individual and may depend on who is the most triggered, who feels the most hurt, or to whom it is more important to be fully heard. This is good practice for integrating a more balanced approach to the relationship on the whole, and ultimately both partners should matter in all aspects of the relationship. 

Even if only one person was triggered, that person should still check in with their partner to see if they have anything they need to share or if they also need reassurance. Repair initiation should always be done in a non blaming and non shaming way.

Share Vulnerably

Sharing vulnerably and expressing your feelings openly and honestly is important to all aspects of your relationship. In repair it is important to make sure to keep this sharing about your feelings and your experience and not about what your partner “did to you.” Try to speak neutrally and in a non judgemental way.

Rather than blaming or shaming with phrases like “you always….” use phrases like “I feel lonely when….” For example: instead of saying “you're always ignoring me and playing on your phone!” You could say “When I’m with you and I want to connect, I feel lonely and rejected when your phone takes up all of your attention.”

Listen and Respond with Empathy

Listening and responding with empathy is an ongoing step throughout the entire repair process. Here, you are putting yourself into your partner's shoes to share their experience and understand them more fully. Empathy doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say, it simply means understanding, even when it's different from what you experience. 

Continuing the above conversation,  You may say to your partner “It sounds really hard to feel lonely and rejected while I’m sitting right next to you.” They may want to share more after that, and it is important to let them continue sharing while also continuing to track your own internal response. If you are starting to feel triggered or activated, let them know. If it arises, fight the urge to respond in “me too” or “yeah I feel the same”type  statements. This invalidates the individual experience that they are having at the moment. 

Accountability: Acknowledging your Patterns

After listening to your partner's share, it is time to take accountability and “cop” to your patterns and your role in the rupture. This isn’t taking blame, but rather addressing and acknowledging the impact that your actions had on your partner. This type of accountability is a broader aspect of your patterns that are at play in the relationship dynamic. You should only cop to a behavior that is truly a pattern of yours, if it is more of a projection or fear of your partners, you wouldn’t need to take on the accountability for that. 

Taking accountability for your patterns may look like “In relationships, I know that something hard about me is that when I feel hurt I get into my head and begin to write stories about my feelings that might not necessarily be true.” Acknowledge that it's a pattern that will take you time to work on in the relationship. This also means deciding if it is a pattern that you value working on and changing. 

Provide Reassurance

Once you have addressed the underlying issue, it is time to reassure your partner. Trying to provide reassurance before the underlying issue has been addressed likely will not land and could leave your partner feeling invalidated and lead to further rupture. 

Only provide reassurance if it is true for you, and not because it is something your partner wants to hear. Reassurance can build trust and safety in a relationship when it is honest and authentic. For example, if it feels true for you, you may reassure your partner “I know that I sometimes get lost and distracted by my phone, but I love connecting and spending time with you. I want to work on being more present with you and being on my phone less when we are together.”

Reconnecting with your partner

The last step of repair is connecting with your partner. This may look like asking for a hug, having coffee together, going for a walk, or doing something that helps you feel like a team. Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner and their efforts can also help you reconnect. 

If reconnection feels hard, there may be some lingering feelings that were not addressed. Talk to each other to see if there is something that still needs to be addressed or one partner still needs to feel more heard. If there was a lot of resentment, everything might not have been cleared and another repair conversation on the same subject may need to happen to move forward. 

Repair and Relationship Resilience

When practiced as an ongoing part of a relationship, repair can create strength, safety, and resilience in your relationship while increasing intimacy and relationship satisfaction. This looks like committing to honest vulnerability about your feelings, needs, desires, and challenges in the relationship. This is your commitment to each other, and a gift to the relationship. 

Relationship repair can be challenging, and you and your partner don't have to do it alone. If you need more support with repair in your relationship, schedule a free consultation call to see how we can work together. I offer guidance and a non judgemental, shame free, empathetic, and a deeply held and safe environment for these conversations to take place.