Unlocking Pleasure: Context, Embodiment, and the Female Orgasm

When it comes to pleasure, reaching orgasm can be difficult for women. As a woman, have you ever felt the pressure to perform in the bedroom? Partners, have you considered the ways you can relieve this pressure? It is a pervasive force that can cause women to lose sensation, rush to the finish line, or fake their orgasm. 

Focusing too much on the pursuit of orgasm can create performance anxiety, decrease intimacy, and diminish the pleasure of the sexual experience itself. With all of the pressure and mental focus, we can easily lose the connection to our bodies.When this happens, focusing on reaching orgasm becomes the thing that blocks the ability to relax into receiving, embody pleasure, and climax. 

For women, pleasure isn’t just about physical stimulation. Arousal follows desire, and in this way we see that pleasure is about much more than just touch. Embodied pleasure becomes possible when we make the connection between the environment, the emotional connection, the internal state, and then the physical itself. When we weave together all of these parts, we create a foundation of presence, context, safety, and surrender that lends itself deliciously to the female orgasm. 

What is Embodiment?

Embodiment is the felt sense of being inside of your body in the present moment. When you are embodied, you have the ability to feel your sensations, emotions, and the connections between your own body and the world around you. When you are distracted, mentally focused, self conscious, performing, worried about being judged, etc, a disconnection from the physical sensations of your body occurs. Disassociation is a disconnection from the felt sense of being inside of ourselves, takes us away from the sensations of our bodies, and is a pleasure blocker. Various forms of breathing, movement, and mindful noticing are ways to cultivate embodiment. 

Context: Why it Matters

Many women carry a large societally imposed belief system about what they should look like, sound like, smell like, act like, and - have sex like. There is an orgasm gap between men and women, that makes it clear something is missing for women, and that something is: reaching orgasm. Women also have a lot of expectations placed on their shoulders by society about what a “good woman” is. Due to the messaging received all throughout their lives, women carry shame around the ways their vulvas look, feel, smell, taste, how wet or dry they might be or “should” be, and how quickly they “should” be able to come. 

As arousal follows desire, women require more emotional and mental safety, more foreplay, more reassurance, and more permission from their partners to sit back, relax, and receive. Here are some proven techniques to help her relax into receiving:

Focus Less on Reaching Orgasm

Letting go of the goal of reaching orgasm often leads to more intense pleasure and increases the likelihood of climax. Partners, give her your reassurance that it doesn't matter if she climaxes, it just matters that she enjoys herself. Reassure her that you love her smell, taste, and how she feels, and that you enjoy giving her pleasure without any pressure to “achieve” or “do” anything. When a woman knows you are happy to be there and she doesn’t HAVE to orgasm, this can be the very thing that helps her over the edge. 

Take Ego Out of it

When she knows that you're not just satisfying your ego, or trying to “win” something, she is more likely to stay in her body, and in her pleasure, than if she feels like you've got something to prove - via her orgasm. When her orgasm has to show itself just to prove to you that you're a good lover, it makes itself much more unavailable.

Temporary Selfishness & The Timer

For a woman, it can be incredibly liberating to know she is not responsible for anything for an amount of time. This type of surrender is especially potent for someone who carries a large mental load. In this technique, you are giving her express permission to just receive. No reciprocation, no worrying if her partner is tired or ready to move on, no small talk, no forced moans, only authentic breathing, moaning, moving, or arching, no goal of orgasm, no thinking, just feeling. 

If it is especially difficult for her, a timer may help. When both partners have agreed to and set a timer, she is less likely to worry about whether he is still enjoying himself and more likely to be able to receive. 

Partners, you may not mean to put any pressure on women, but it still may be there. Taking the time to unwind the pressure creates an environment that she is more likely to want to return to, and over time, a new safety is created. Over time, women are more likely to surrender to pleasure when their partner repeatedly demonstrates that there is nothing to prove, nothing to do, and nothing to worry about. 

Don’t Ask “are you close”

Certain types of feedback during sex can be very helpful and are absolutely encouraged. However, asking “are you close” is an orgasm killer. This is a lose-lose question. When a woman hears this question, suddenly she is thrust out of pleasure and distracted by thoughts about what her partner is thinking and “why aren’t you coming” is often what she hears. Hearing this question translates to worries like “am I taking too long?” “are they bored?” “are they not enjoying this?” These are incredibly distracting thoughts that not only take her out of her pleasure, and out of her body, but they also take her far away from her orgasm. 

Love the Giving

When a woman knows that her partner loves giving them pleasure, they can stop thinking about the dreaded “are you close?” Knowing that her partner is invested and enthusiastic about giving drastically increases the chance of a woman actually experiencing her pleasure. Take time and pressure off the table, and replace it with enthusiasm and sensation based questions. Instead of asking if she is close, ask questions like “higher or lower” “slower or faster” “harder or softer.” These are great feedback oriented questions that help pinpoint the receiver's pleasure and make her feel like you are invested in her feeling good. Even if you have told her before how much you enjoy her, tell her again. 

Giving Compliments and Appreciation 

Women receive many messages from the mainstream media and society as a whole about what their bodies, breasts, hair, makeup, and vulvas should look like. This can lead to a lot of insecurity for women about things like the way their body looks during sex, about how they feel without makeup on, about their vulva’s shape, size, color, and wetness level. 

These insecurities can make it really hard to relax during sex. When women are worried about whether their vulva is just right, or are trying not to smudge their makeup, mess up their hair, keep their tummies tucked tightly in, or keep their breasts at the perfect angle, they’re scarcely connected to actual pleasure during sex. 

When women receive compliments about how delicious they are to you, how their vulva tastes, looks, and smells just like a dessert that you love, they are better able to connect to the pleasure and turn off the insecurities. Receiving flirtatious and genuine compliments from you in and out of the bedroom will build trust in your desire for her and help her let down her insecurities so she can feel her pleasure. Sex is made better for a woman when her partner shows her over and over that he is attracted to her body outside of the bedroom. This appreciation outside of the bedroom translates to an increase in pleasure for everyone. 

Even if you have told her before, tell her again and again. The messages from society are never ending and she will need reassurance from you throughout the duration of your relationship. Most women won’t even show you or let you know how self conscious they truly are, and even when they're feeling great, most women still maintain a bit of self consciousness in the bedroom. 

The more a woman feels your attraction, desire, admiration, and appreciation, the more she is able to stay embodied and enjoy all of the delicious sensations of her pleasure. 

If you need support as a woman, a woman’s partner, or as a couple, I offer a judgement and shame free container for embracing your pleasure, creating more intimacy in your life, and a tailored approach to your specific needs. If you're ready to move past these blockages, explore deeper levels of pleasure, release the pressure of orgasm, and live a more embodied life, book a free connection call!

Some Questions for Further Consideration:

What is your relationship to relaxing?

What is your relationship to receiving?

What is your relationship to pleasure?

Do you or your partner prioritize pleasure or performance?

Does sex feel goal oriented and pressurized? 

How can you create a more embodied and supportive context for emotional and sexual intimacy?

What is your biggest block to relaxing into receiving pleasure?