The Dance with Disappointment
What is it?
According to Brene Brown “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.” Our expectations can be stealthy, and running in the background. They can be expressed and still not be met in the exact way or time frame we have envisioned. We can share our needs vulnerably and still not have them met at all.
Disappointment has many forms. It surfaces when our partner can't or won’t meet our needs in the way we hoped, when the sex we are having doesn't align with our core desires, or when the pace in the relationship feels mismatched. These moments of misalignment between expectation and delivery create the space where disappointment lives.
Disappointment is inevitable in intimate relationships. What we do with it, is what matters. If we don’t address it and learn to sit with and process it, it will follow us around, becoming a looming shadow of resentment, a breaker of connection, and a barrier to intimacy. Here, the gift we can give ourselves is in the way we choose to respond.
So what can we do?
In relationships, when disappointment shows up, there are 5 pathways it can follow
Resentment
Acceptance
Outsource Consensually
Outsource Non-Consensually
Leave
Resentment
When disappointment is unacknowledged or unprocessed, it builds and grows into resentment. It will not clear itself, and if it is not processed it can slowly erode relationship connection and intimacy. Even if partners are able to maintain an outward facade of acceptance, this resentment will continue growing under the surface. It may manifest in the following ways
Passive aggressive behavior
Emotional withdrawal
“Punishing” your partner
Mean comments disguised as “jokes”
Criticism
Contempt
Acceptance
Acceptance happens when the disappointed partner is able to make peace with the current reality without breaking connection with their partner. This does not mean that the accepting partner is passive and resigned or in agreement with what they are accepting. It simply means they are being honest and staying in the present moment.
Acceptance is an active process of understanding and integration. It requires vulnerability, presence, and acknowledgement of our partner’s boundaries/capacities. Acceptance is the pathway to the remaining options. As the disappointed person accepts that they cannot force their expectations on their partner, they may wish to find alternative ways to meet their needs while remaining within the relationships structure, or they may choose to leave.
Consensual Outsourcing
This happens when both partners have acknowledged and accepted an unmet need and agree to get that need met outside of the relationship.
This might involve
More emotional support from friends
Emotional support from paid professionals
Emotional support through additional romantic relationships
Physical touch from paid professionals
Physical touch from outside platonic relationships
Physical touch from additional romantic relationships
Sexual outsourcing from outside relationships
Sexual outsourcing from additional romantic relationships
Any other form of connection that comes from outside of the relationship but still honors the relationship’s boundaries
Consensual outsourcing requires clear and consistent communication, defined boundaries, and ongoing conversations regarding relationship agreements. It can be a challenging transition, however it can serve as a relationship recalibrator, bringing back a resentment free relationship with more satisfaction and well being for both partners.
Non-Consensual Outsourcing
Non-Consensual Outsourcing happens when the disappointed partner looks outside of the relationship to get their needs met without communicating it to their partner. The established boundaries and agreements of the relationship are broken. This might look like:
Emotional affairs
Sexual affairs
Hidden relationships
Hidden friendships
Secret hobbies
Any other form of connection that must remain hidden from the primary relationship
The disappointed partner may not want to leave the current relationship and may also not want to continue leaving their needs unmet. While at the same time their partner may not be open to consensual outsourcing. The choice to outsource in this way may stem from unprocessed disappointment, fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, or processed disappointment that would only otherwise be resolved with leaving the relationship. It is important to understand that, without judgement, there are always possible adverse effects from non-consensual outsourcing.
Leaving
Sometimes, one or both partners may recognize that the gap between their disappointments and needs is too large to bridge. This usually comes after careful consideration and attempts at other pathways, but sometimes one or both can recognize quickly that there is no way to stay together. Every individual's bandwidth for disappointment is different and what might be too much for one person is barely a drop to another. Choosing to end a relationship is never easy. Acknowledging and accepting that the current relationship is not supporting the needs of one or both partners is an important part of making this decision.
In today’s society we often equate relationship success to relationship longevity. We view any breakup as a “failure” and often judge ourselves quite harshly. The true measure of relationship “success” is the level of relationship satisfaction experienced by both partners. When the choice to leave is done without judgement and with clear communication, it can serve as a growth opportunity and a new beginning.
Sitting with Disappointment
In the space between acceptance and deciding whether you are ok with a need going unmet or finding a way to meet it, is the sitting.
Slow down and quiet the noise in your mind
Breathe deeply into your body and connect your heart and your pelvic floor
Acknowledge without needing to take immediate action
Explore the root of the expectation or need
Explore the difference between your needs and desires
Explore your own personal capacity for disappointment relating to your needs and desires
Look at your usual response to disappointment and notice if you feel like you want to have a different response
Look at the opportunities for your own personal growth that are available to you in this challenge
Reactivity can often end up being a catalyst for more hurt and disappointment. It may lead us to double down on our patterns or be cruel to our partner. It is a barrier to intimacy, connection, and growth. When we create time and space to fully experience our disappointment we gain calm and clear access to our inner knowing.
Moving Beyond the Feeling
When we choose a path in response to disappointment, we are shaping not only our current relationship but also laying the inner groundwork for our future connections. Through developing the skill of sitting with disappointment, we are able to make more conscious and aligned choices as we navigate relationship challenges.
While uncomfortable, disappointment is not inherently negative. It only becomes negative through the stories we attach to it. Disappointment is a highlighter for the gaps between expectations and realities and offers the opportunity for understanding, connection, intimacy, and growth in our relationships and within ourselves.
Sitting with disappointment ultimately leads to greater emotional resilience and more authentic, aligned, and satisfied relationships. As we learn to navigate these choppy waters with awareness, intention, and presence, we discover that disappointment is a powerful teacher and that we have much to learn on our journey to more fulfilling relationships.
