Boundaries: An Act of Radical Self-Love
How Honoring Your Limits Transforms Your Life
The most radical act of self-love isn't a spa day or splurging on that designer cupcake—it's setting boundaries.
When I first began setting clear boundaries in my relationships and daily interactions, I experienced a lot of pushback. It came in various ways, but I decided to hold firm. For a long time, I didn’t hold my boundaries for fear of the loss that would come on the other side of having them. That fear materialized, I lost relationships that I thought were essential, including my marriage. I disappointed people who had come to expect my endless availability, my eternal giving, who could somehow find a way to keep taking even when my cup was completely empty. I wrestled with a core belief I held that I was “too much” and my needs don't matter. It all seemed to be evidence that I was, in fact, too much.
But then, from the fertile soil of my boundaries, something beautiful bloomed...
The relationships that remained in my life grew deeper, more authentic, more vulnerable, more intimate, and more nourishing. New connections came in that were more aligned. My energy expanded and could take up the space it needed to thrive. My resentments started to melt away. My body responded with shoulders that were more relaxed, a jaw that unclenched, lungs that could breathe deeply and more expansively. I rediscovered parts of myself that had been submerged under the weight of others' expectations and demands. I reawaked all of the parts I had put to sleep when I allowed my boundaries to be crossed again and again.
Embodied Boundaries
While Most people have heard of boundaries in some way, many have been steered incorrectly as to what boundaries really are, what they mean, and whether they can find theirs.
According to Brene Brown, “Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re sure where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between two people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.”
Your body is a messenger when it comes to finding your real boundaries. Even if you are not tuned in and listening, your body is giving you messages all of the time. When a boundary is repeatedly crossed, your nervous system responds in various ways. Some ways your body might signal this could be:
Tension in your neck and shoulders at the thought of your overly filled calendar
A headache that appears seemingly out of nowhere after you’ve spent time with someone
A sudden sense of exhaustion after an interaction
The subtle contraction of your solar plexus when you’ve said yes when you meant no
Having a large emotional response after doing something we didn’t really want to do
The feeling of heaviness that you can’t seem to shake when you interact with that certain someone
These are only a few of the ways our body warns us and they are not random symptoms, they are warning signs from your body that a boundary has been not just hit, but crossed. Embodiment, or a felt sense of being in your body, becomes essential for hearing these messages and warning signs. Your body always knows.
The Truth About Boundaries
1. Boundaries create capacity for genuine intimacy
Most people fear that setting boundaries will create distance in their relationships. The opposite is true. When you stop performing, people-pleasing, and abandoning yourself to meet others' needs, real trust, connection, and intimacy becomes possible.True connection requires knowing where you end and others begin. It demands the courage to show up as you really are, not as you think others want you to be.
2. Your body already knows your boundaries
Learning to do a body scan and physically map your boundaries in your body can bring you from “I can’t even think of what my boundary might be” to “I can feel when my boundary has been hit.” When you practice getting out of your head and into your body, and running a body scan before you agree to something, you can track the messages and sensations that will help you find your true yes. If you feel tension, contraction, or discomfort, you can ask yourself “what needs attention, where does the boundary lie, can I commit to part or some of this request, where is my yes, where is my no.” The answers you receive may surprise you.
3. Boundaries aren't walls, they're bridges
Many people avoid setting boundaries because they fear appearing cold, distant, or uncaring. But boundaries don't disconnect you from others—they allow you to show up authentically so you can truly meet others where they are, and allow them the opportunity and gift to do the same for you.
Without boundaries, we bring only fragments of ourselves to our relationships—the pleasing parts, the accommodating parts, the parts we think others will accept. With loving boundaries, we can bring our whole selves, our compassion, our limits, our needs, our curiosity, our generosity and our love too.
4. Setting boundaries is an ongoing practice
One common boundary misconception is that once you set them, the work is done. In reality, boundary-setting is an ongoing practice requiring presence, awareness, flexibility and self-compassion.
Some days you'll hold firm in your boundaries with ease and clarity. Other days you'll falter, revert to old tendencies, or find yourself overextended again. This isn't failure, it's simply information about what parts of you need more attention and care.
With time, growth, care, and expansion, boundaries may also become flexible. Your capacity may change over time, you may have periods of expanded boundaries, and you may have periods where you need to hold yourself a little closer.
The goal isn't perfection but greater awareness of when you are allowing your boundaries to be crossed and an increased capacity to adjust. Each time you bump into a boundary, you will also find valuable insights about your triggers, fears, and growth edges.
5. Boundaries aren't for controlling or changing others—they're for honoring yourself
Perhaps the most liberating truth about boundaries is that they don't require anyone else to change for them to work. Your boundary is your responsibility to uphold.
While it's natural to hope others will respect your limits once expressed, true boundary work focuses on your response when they don't. Can you maintain your boundary with compassion for self and other? Can you restate your needs without shame or defensiveness? Can you follow through on the responses you've outlined?
This shift from trying to control others' behavior to managing your own responses transforms boundary-setting from a power struggle into an act of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth.
The Shadow Side
The people who resist or push your boundaries the most are often those who have benefited most from you not holding them. This isn't necessarily insidious or malicious, humans naturally gravitate toward what's comfortable and convenient. If your boundarylessness has made others' lives easier, more convenient, or more comfortable, they will likely bring resistance when you begin to grow, change, and heal.
Common resistance tactics include:
Guilt-tripping: "I thought you cared about me/this team/this project."
Minimizing: "You're being too sensitive/making a big deal out of nothing."
Moving the goalposts: "I know you said you couldn't take on extra work, but this is different."
Playing the victim: "I don't know how we'll manage without you doing this."
Stonewalling: Responding with silence, coldness, or withdrawal of affection.
Recognizing these tactics helps you respond from your belly rather than reacting from a triggered state.
Implementing Boundaries in Daily Life
Transforming your relationship with boundaries requires more than just a logical understanding, it needs consistent, courageous action.
1: Identify Your Current Boundary Landscape
Before setting new boundaries, assess your current situation. In your journal, explore:
Where do I consistently feel drained, resentful, or taken advantage of?
In which relationships or situations do I abandon my needs for others?
What physical symptoms emerge when I allow my boundaries to be crossed?
What past boundary violations still impact me today?
This inventory provides information about where boundary work is needed.
2: Start with One Clear Boundary
Rather than overhauling your entire life, start small with one manageable boundary to implement. Make it concrete, clear, and actionable:
Instead of: "I need more respect at work." Try: "I will not check my email after 7pm on weeknights or on weekends."
A well-formulated boundary includes:
The specific behavior or limit you're establishing
Any necessary context or exceptions
Clear responses/actions if the boundary is crossed
3: Communicate with Clarity and Compassion
Express your boundary clearly, directly, and without excessive justification. While you might choose to briefly explain, your boundary doesn't require others' approval.
Keep it brief: "I've decided to [boundary]. This is important to me because [brief explanation]. In the future, I'll need to [action/response if boundary is crossed]."
4: Prepare for Resistance
Anticipate pushback and prepare your response. When others test your new boundary, have ready phrases such as:
"I understand this is different from our usual interactions, but this is what I need now."
"I know this might be disappointing, but my decision remains the same."
"I'm not able to discuss this further. I've made my position clear."
Practice these phrases until they feel natural. Remember that others' disappointment or disapproval, while uncomfortable, is not inherently harmful to you. If you need support in practicing these or processing being disappointing, work with a professional who can help you move through this hurdle.
5: Create Accountability
Share your boundary commitment with someone who supports your growth or with your coach if you are working with a professional. Regular check-ins and being witnessed and supported help navigate the inevitable challenges. Celebrate your courage in honoring yourself, regardless of others' responses.
The Ripple Effect of Loving Boundaries
When you commit to boundary work, the effects extend beyond your immediate relationships. Clear boundaries:
Model connected relating for others, especially children and younger generations
Create space for your authentic purpose and passions to emerge
Reduce stress-related health issues and support immune function
Enhance your creative capacity
Attract relationships that respect and honor you
Trust that those meant to walk alongside you will respect the edges of where you begin.
An Invitation
Boundary work is both deeply personal and inherently relational. It asks us to know ourselves intimately while navigating the complex dance of human connection. Boundary work isn't about building walls or shutting people out, rather it is about creating clearly marked doorways, designating where and how others may participate in your life.
What boundary are you ready to set this week?
What physical sensation might support you in maintaining it?
How might your life transform if you consistently honored this limit?
The journey toward loving and secure boundaries begins with a single, courageous step. Your body, your relationships, and your future self await the profound shifts that this act of radical self love will bring. It all starts with you.
If you need more support with navigating, setting, communicating, and holding boundaries, I invite you to schedule a free connection call with me to see how we can find your true yes!
This article was written by Gina Victoria, somatic embodiment and relationship coach specializing in helping individuals establish healthy boundaries for more authentic connection. For one-on-one coaching or group coaching information, visit www.theintimateexperience.com
